Jojo's Season of The Bachelorette: Betch Bach Rundown Part 2

 James F.

 James F. is having a bunch of tattoos removed which means he has regrets. Having regrets doesn't normally go over to well on The Bachelor. WTF is carb cycling? James F. has fitness/acting dreams which means HE IS THERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS, JOJO! Oh, come on, the Bible is his favorite book? You've got to be kidding me. Hopefully they'll show pics of his supposed buzz cut with bangs because this guy is the worst.

James S.

 James S. is a "Bachelor Superfan" as an occupation so he must be unemployed. I hope he's the guy who got a tattoo of Lace's face.
James S. doesn't like sushi which means he has poor taste and can't be trusted. Plus, he's 27 and had a girlfriend for 7 years so he's either fresh off a looooong relationship or ditched his high school sweetheart.

James Taylor

 You've got to be fucking with me. This guy's name is James Taylor AND he's a singer/songwriter. I can't. I just can't.

Jonathan

 Jonathan kind of reminds me of my old landlord which means nothing, but is weird personally. Also, he loves Toy Story 3 and Goosebumps and hates vegetables! Jonathan is an 8 year old.

Jordan

 Jordan has great hair and is a former pro quarterback. This has to be Aaron Rodgers' brother, right? I really like his comment about the most outrageous thing he's done in the bedroom being a precarious installation of a TV. Way to beat them at their own game, Jordan. Also, he's a foodie. I'm in love.

Luke

 Luke has really bad hair and seems to have had several broken nose issues. All around he looks extremely creepy. He is a war vet. Eh. We'll see.

Nick B.

 Nick B. plays rugby and is not very interesting. It seems to me he may have never had a girlfriend. Just getting that vibe.

Nick S.

 Nick S. looks like a 90s teen TV heartthrob. I have a few questions for Nick S. though... Why would you ever chase a mountain lion? What's so scary about cheese? Tomato farm? Have you never heard of crop rotation, Nick S.?

Peter

 Peter has a trash stache. He basically asks the producers to send him to an exotic locale. "I mean, my ultimate date? You could fly me somewhere cool, probably in a helicopter. Then we'll do something outrageous like swim with pigs or sit in a hot tub. Then awkward conversations about getting to know each other during a romantic dinner during which we never touch the food".

Robby

 Robby is hot. Robby know he's hot. Robby is a swimmer and I'm sure the producers will find a way to get him in a Speedo because I have faith in them as people. Bonus points for not saying roses are his favorite flower. Robby is either genuinely sweet or very studies and know the right things to say.

Sal

 Cute. Boring.

Vinny

 No. Just no.

Wells

 Wells is on the radio is might actually have the occupation of Hipster, unlike our friend Brandon. Wells admits to not loving pizza. WTF?

Will

Will is 6'2.5", because adults still measure by the half inch when it comes to height. I hope we get to see him "Bernie". Will comes across as a bit, well, dumb.

That rounds out this season's contestant pool. I'll have commentary on limo exits after tomorrow's episode. It should be great!

Jojo's Season of the Bachelorette: Betch Bach Rundown Part 1

Who needs a first impression rose when you can have a snarky first impression pov from some random stranger on the internet? Here's my rundown of this season's Bachelorette contestants in two parts. Oh, and FYI, this is not some judgement free zone. Remember, as with any good reality television, we are NOT here to make friends!

Alex

Alex is a Marine. He's cute, but short and has what I like to call "slope-y shoulders". He brags a lot about various feats of super human strength. I'm calling it right now... little man syndrome.
Plus, he's probably no fun if he won't booty dance.

Ali

 Ali kind of looks like he could be one of Jojo's brothers. He's scared of bugs and as we know from outtakes of last season's Bachelor mansion, so are all the girls from last season.

Brandon

 First of all, "Hipster" is not an occupation. I don't know if ABC comes up with this nonsense or if the contestants do but it's getting really pathetic. Brandon is so boring, and he has dumb hair.

Chad

 Chad has an extraordinarily punchable face. He's a former Marine and in Real Estate like Jojo, but he seems to think he's Matthew Mcconaughey and he's not. Alright, alright, alright?

Chase

Chase might be cross eyed. He fucking loves his truck and seems rather... simple.

Christian

Christian has a really nice smile. He is literally doing that thing where you cross your arms and push out your biceps to make them look bigger.
Need to know: did he attend strip shows/lap dances in college or did he provide them? Color me intrigued.

Coley

What the hell kind of name is Coley? He looks like Shia Ledouche with a super pointy head/face. Ugh. Snooze.

Daniel

Daniel is a male model and a douchebag. He actually seems to think he is a "lambo". I bet he tries to fight someone. Maybe he punches Chad's very punchable face.

Derek

Derek is adorable. He's giving off a tall/dark/handsome John Krasinski vibe and he's got killer baby blues. Plus, the man seems to hate cucumbers which means he has his head on straight.

Evan

Evan has really bad facial hair and a disappointing hair situation going on in general. He's old AF and has ED? Maybe if we're lucky Daniel will fight him.

Grant

Grand is hot and possibly wanted in Mexico. Enough said.

Jake

Jake is pretty standard in the "guy next door" way. (Read: boring) I'm feeling him on the chewing noises phobia though.