Who needs a first impression rose when you can have a snarky first impression pov from some random stranger on the internet? Here's my rundown of this season's Bachelorette contestants in two parts. Oh, and FYI, this is not some judgement free zone. Remember, as with any good reality television, we are NOT here to make friends!
Alex
Alex is a Marine. He's cute, but short and has what I like to call "slope-y shoulders". He brags a lot about various feats of super human strength. I'm calling it right now... little man syndrome.
Plus, he's probably no fun if he won't booty dance.
Ali
Ali kind of looks like he could be one of Jojo's brothers. He's scared of bugs and as we know from outtakes of last season's Bachelor mansion, so are all the girls from last season.
Brandon
First of all, "Hipster" is not an occupation. I don't know if ABC comes up with this nonsense or if the contestants do but it's getting really pathetic. Brandon is so boring, and he has dumb hair.
Chad
Chad has an extraordinarily punchable face. He's a former Marine and in Real Estate like Jojo, but he seems to think he's Matthew Mcconaughey and he's not. Alright, alright, alright?
Chase
Chase might be cross eyed. He fucking loves his truck and seems rather... simple.
Christian
Christian has a really nice smile. He is literally doing that thing where you cross your arms and push out your biceps to make them look bigger.
Need to know: did he attend strip shows/lap dances in college or did he provide them? Color me intrigued.
Coley
What the hell kind of name is Coley? He looks like Shia Ledouche with a super pointy head/face. Ugh. Snooze.
Daniel
Daniel is a male model and a douchebag. He actually seems to think he is a "lambo". I bet he tries to fight someone. Maybe he punches Chad's very punchable face.
Derek
Derek is adorable. He's giving off a tall/dark/handsome John Krasinski vibe and he's got killer baby blues. Plus, the man seems to hate cucumbers which means he has his head on straight.
Evan
Evan has really bad facial hair and a disappointing hair situation going on in general. He's old AF and has ED? Maybe if we're lucky Daniel will fight him.
Grant
Grand is hot and possibly wanted in Mexico. Enough said.
Jake
Jake is pretty standard in the "guy next door" way. (Read: boring) I'm feeling him on the chewing noises phobia though.
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