James F.
James F. is having a bunch of tattoos removed which means he has regrets. Having regrets doesn't normally go over to well on The Bachelor. WTF is carb cycling? James F. has fitness/acting dreams which means HE IS THERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS, JOJO! Oh, come on, the Bible is his favorite book? You've got to be kidding me. Hopefully they'll show pics of his supposed buzz cut with bangs because this guy is the worst.
James S.
James S. is a "Bachelor Superfan" as an occupation so he must be unemployed. I hope he's the guy who got a tattoo of Lace's face.
James S. doesn't like sushi which means he has poor taste and can't be trusted. Plus, he's 27 and had a girlfriend for 7 years so he's either fresh off a looooong relationship or ditched his high school sweetheart.
James Taylor
You've got to be fucking with me. This guy's name is James Taylor AND he's a singer/songwriter. I can't. I just can't.
Jonathan
Jonathan kind of reminds me of my old landlord which means nothing, but is weird personally. Also, he loves Toy Story 3 and Goosebumps and hates vegetables! Jonathan is an 8 year old.
Jordan
Jordan has great hair and is a former pro quarterback. This has to be Aaron Rodgers' brother, right? I really like his comment about the most outrageous thing he's done in the bedroom being a precarious installation of a TV. Way to beat them at their own game, Jordan. Also, he's a foodie. I'm in love.
Luke
Luke has really bad hair and seems to have had several broken nose issues. All around he looks extremely creepy. He is a war vet. Eh. We'll see.
Nick B.
Nick B. plays rugby and is not very interesting. It seems to me he may have never had a girlfriend. Just getting that vibe.
Nick S.
Nick S. looks like a 90s teen TV heartthrob. I have a few questions for Nick S. though... Why would you ever chase a mountain lion? What's so scary about cheese? Tomato farm? Have you never heard of crop rotation, Nick S.?
Peter
Peter has a trash stache. He basically asks the producers to send him to an exotic locale. "I mean, my ultimate date? You could fly me somewhere cool, probably in a helicopter. Then we'll do something outrageous like swim with pigs or sit in a hot tub. Then awkward conversations about getting to know each other during a romantic dinner during which we never touch the food".
Robby
Robby is hot. Robby know he's hot. Robby is a swimmer and I'm sure the producers will find a way to get him in a Speedo because I have faith in them as people. Bonus points for not saying roses are his favorite flower. Robby is either genuinely sweet or very studies and know the right things to say.
Sal
Cute. Boring.
Vinny
No. Just no.
Wells
Wells is on the radio is might actually have the occupation of Hipster, unlike our friend Brandon. Wells admits to not loving pizza. WTF?
Will
Will is 6'2.5", because adults still measure by the half inch when it comes to height. I hope we get to see him "Bernie". Will comes across as a bit, well, dumb.
That rounds out this season's contestant pool. I'll have commentary on limo exits after tomorrow's episode. It should be great!
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