Week 1: Introductions

Let’s just ignore all the boring to-dos at the beginning of the premiere episode of any Bachelor or Bachelorette season. JoJo’s heart is broken. JoJo is ready for love. JoJo get advice from past Bachelorettes (at least they pick ones that have it pretty well together). Then, JoJo looks super hot on a beach in a bikini which leads us to the Bachelorette watch party quote of the night:

“JoJo’s body almost makes me want to stop eating this cheese.”

You almost got us, JoJo. Almost. Which is not to say that her body needs any work. Just our will power.

Now. Let’s get to these men…

We’re treated to special introductions to eight of the men. I have to assume these are some serious contenders since only a few seem a little murder-y.

 

 First we meet Grant. Grant is a Firefighter in San Francisco and is super hot, but his face looks a little sickly from certain angles. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well during filming? He enjoys staring off into the distance and leaning against things. They make him make some corny joke about JoJo being the one to light his fire. Which is dumb, because Grant puts out fires for a living. It’ll never work.

Having Jordan on this show isn’t even fair. He’s a Bachelorette ringer. He’s tall and handsome with great hair. Much like Grant, he loves staring into the distance longingly but this time in the rain. He has a famous brother. Plus, he has failed in both love and the NFL. I’m in love.

If Alex doesn’t use this picture as his Tinder Bumble profile picture, he is living life wrong. THERE’S A DOG IN GOGGLES! Alex is a Marine and he’s very short and overly muscular in a way that makes him look even shorter. He’s incredibly handsome other than his no-neck monster tendencies and he seems quite sweet. Oh, also Alex is a twin but has an occupation other than twin. I didn’t know that was even an option.

 

James S. is a secret Bachelor fan and doesn’t let many people know, except for all of the television audience. He hosts watch parties that evidently consist of himself, two other adults, and two kids. The kids promptly ghost out because they’re too cool for this shit.

Evan awkwardly makes a string of penis jokes that would make anyone uncomfortable. He used to be a pastor. I’m just completely weirded out by him.

Ali is a bartender, surfer, pianist, skateboarder, and big old disappointment to his family. That dog is hilarious though.

Christian is probably my favorite Bachelorette contestant this season. He seems genuinely sweet, he can hang sideways, but he definitely comes with a lot of baggage. He is a little nerdy, but also kind of a jock and lovingly cares for his two younger brothers.

Luke is a small town Texas boy. His town looks like a movie set, the kind where the Sheriff is also the Dentist. Luke is a war vet and loves America (see exhibit A above).