Let’s just ignore all the boring to-dos at the beginning of
the premiere episode of any Bachelor or Bachelorette season. JoJo’s heart is
broken. JoJo is ready for love. JoJo get advice from past Bachelorettes (at
least they pick ones that have it pretty well together). Then, JoJo looks super
hot on a beach in a bikini which leads us to the Bachelorette watch party quote
of the night:
“JoJo’s body almost makes
me want to stop eating this cheese.”
You almost got us, JoJo. Almost. Which is not to say that
her body needs any work. Just our will power.
Now. Let’s get to these men…
We’re treated to special introductions to eight of the men.
I have to assume these are some serious contenders since only a few seem a little
murder-y.
First we meet Grant. Grant is a Firefighter in San Francisco
and is super hot, but his face looks a little sickly from certain angles. Maybe
he wasn’t feeling well during filming? He enjoys staring off into the distance
and leaning against things. They make him make some corny joke about JoJo being
the one to light his fire. Which is dumb, because Grant puts out fires for a
living. It’ll never work.
Having Jordan on this show isn’t even fair. He’s a
Bachelorette ringer. He’s tall and handsome with great hair. Much like Grant,
he loves staring into the distance longingly but this time in the rain. He has
a famous brother. Plus, he has failed in both love and the NFL. I’m in love.
If Alex doesn’t use this picture as his Tinder Bumble
profile picture, he is living life wrong. THERE’S A DOG IN GOGGLES! Alex is a
Marine and he’s very short and overly muscular in a way that makes him look
even shorter. He’s incredibly handsome other than his no-neck monster
tendencies and he seems quite sweet. Oh, also Alex is a twin but has an
occupation other than twin. I didn’t know that was even an option.
James S. is a secret Bachelor fan and doesn’t let many
people know, except for all of the television audience. He hosts watch parties
that evidently consist of himself, two other adults, and two kids. The kids
promptly ghost out because they’re too cool for this shit.
Evan awkwardly makes a string of penis jokes that would make
anyone uncomfortable. He used to be a pastor. I’m just completely weirded out
by him.
Ali is a bartender, surfer, pianist, skateboarder, and big
old disappointment to his family. That dog is hilarious though.
Christian is probably my favorite Bachelorette contestant
this season. He seems genuinely sweet, he can hang sideways, but he definitely comes with a lot of
baggage. He is a little nerdy, but also kind of a jock and lovingly cares for
his two younger brothers.
Luke is a small town Texas boy. His town looks like a movie
set, the kind where the Sheriff is also the Dentist. Luke is a war vet and
loves America (see exhibit A above).
